Now I know that all probably sounds like a pity party but I don't want you to feel sorry for me. Those are just where my thoughts are right now. What makes those things close to the front of my mind is that I know sooooo many people who are either getting married this summer or who got married in the last year and it makes me a little sad because I feel like I'm missing out on some part of life because I'm not doing the same kind of things that all those people are doing.
If once in a while, lately more than before, I get into these funks where I don't like my life and I can't see any silver linings and I don't see how life can be good because all the bad things keep on piling up and I can't see the good parts of my life.
I feel like a failure in some ways. Yes, I graduated from college and that's a big accomplishment. But what's next? I'm not getting a master's degree, I don't have a job, and I feel like once again I'm the one being left in the dust. After being so busy all the time I hate, hate, hate sitting at home all day every day by myself. It sucks and it's not me. I need to be busy. I need to be doing something.
It also hurts when you realize that you've started liking someone that you've known for a while only to realize they like a friend of yours. So once again it looks like I just have to move on.
This line of thinking makes me think of President Uchtdorf's talk from last general conference on patience. Here's a quote that really helped the first time that I read it and hopefully will give me some strength right now: "Often the deep valleys of our present will be understood only by looking back on them from the mountains of our future experience. Often we can't see the Lord's hand in our lives until long after trials have passed. Often the most difficult times of our lives are essential building blocks that form the foundation of our characters and pave the wya to future opportunity, understanding, and happiness."
I just wish I understood why I had to go through these experiences now. These lessons that I am being forced to learn are so hard and I just wish I could understand or at least catch some kind of break. I feel like I'm at the point where I don't think I can handle many more bad things happening to me. I'm reaching the breaking point and I don't know what to do about it. I know Heavenly Father only gives you trials that you can withstand and will make you stronger but right now I'm thinking he thinks I can handle more than I'm capable of.
Sorry if this is kinda gloomy. I just needed to vent my feelings and get what I was thinking out my head. Thanks for reading. I know all of you who read this care about me and love me so thanks for your support. I'll try to make my next blog post cheerier. But this is just what I was thinking about this morning.
