job!!!!

After months of searching and tons of interviews and applications I found a job. This morning I had an interview with APX Alarm. I thought it went okay but nothing special. About an hour after my interview they called me to offer me the position. I start training on Monday. I'm excited to finally be working again. It's not my dream job but it's something for me to be doing while I figure out if I still want to go to grad school and while I try to find a job in my field. It will be great to not have to worry about money for a while. I'm so excited because I thought I was going to have to move home if I couldn't find a job before the summer was over. Now I don't have to and I can stay right here in Provo where I have lots of friends and people who I have become really close to. Thank you so much to all of you who have prayed for me and hoped for me in my job search. You have no idea how much I appreciate you.

Visitors

Having old friends that you don't see very often come visit you can be the greatest thing ever. Last night, my dear friend Morgan Anderson came by to visit me. And she brought me a can of soup!! Haha, that made me laugh on the inside. One, because it's thoughtful. And two, soup used to be an inside joke between me and my roommate, Anna Cluff Dixon. Oh those were the good days, haha.

Sometimes just having someone stop by your apartment unexpectedly can be exactly the thing that you need in your life. It's fun to go visit others but it can be really nice that for a change someone stops by to see you. I love old and new friends. It's great to catch up and remember by why you were friends in the first place.

Also, on a random note. I love Psych. I watched it last night with some good friends of mine and it was so much fun. I kept looking for the pineapple but I couldn't find it and that made me a little sad. Maybe next time...

The other day I helped a friend of mine (Jenny) decorate an apartment with glow sticks. At our ward talent show Jenny and some others in the ward did this fantastic glow stick dance and there where lots of glowsticks afterwards. So we tapped them up on 2 boys doors spelling out nice messages. On apt 106 we wrote "You Rock" and on apt 112 we wrote "I love you." Next, we went back to apt 106 because we wanted them to come out and look at it. We knocked really loudly and Eric finally came out and looked at it. He thought it was really cool. So we went into his apartment and decorated the inside walls to spell out each of their names as well as "We love 106". It was pretty much of the funnest things I've done all week. And it looked so cool!!!

I guess this post is a little weird and a little random with me jumping all over the place with different topics but that happens sometimes.

Frustration Building

I find that I am getting increasingly frustrated with the direction my life is going. In the fact that my life really isn't going much of anywhere and I don't know what to do. Every time I get close to thinking I'm getting a job it just doesn't work out for me and the disappointment is hard to face. A company that I really wanted to work for looked really promising. I had 3 different interviews with them but a few weeks ago they called me and told they decided to hire someone else. A program that I applied to work for at the library didn't even select me for an interview.

Sometimes I just want to scream. The disappointments just keep on coming in and I'm finding it hard to stay positive. I've liked actually loved my college experience. But what now? What does one do after college and they don't know what to do or where to go in life?

Sometimes I wish I could rewind the clock to a simpler time. To a time when all I had to worry about was what I got on my math test and getting my chores done so I could go outside and play. I guess it doesn't do any good to look back at the past because life will never be that simple every again. Things just continue to get more complicated, complex, and difficult as you get older.

More and more, I keep thinking I want to get out of here. I like living in Utah. I'm not saying that I don't but I keep feeling that it's time to move on to somewhere new. Maybe another town, I don't know. But I don't know if that's gonna happen anytime soon because I made the mistake of signing a contract for the next fall and winter for where I live now. I did that when I thought I was going to grad school and I had a 2 year plan on the horizon. I want to go somewhere knew so that maybe I have the chance of not being constantly overlooked. I don't know if that's the truth but lately that's how it feels to me.

I'm really sorry if this is a downer to read. I'm not looking for pity at all. I just needed to express what I have been feeling recently and this is how I found that I could express everything I was feeling without being interrupted. I know that I am loved by all and that my life is nearly as dramatic and horrible as I make it out to be but sometimes it helps to vent a little and let it all out.

Life has a funny of working sometimes. Things that you never thought would happen usually end up happening. For example, I really never thought I would graduate from college because I thought I'd get married younger than I am and have to drop out. But look at me now. I did graduate from college and am still not married. Also, by this time in my life (I'm 22) I really thought I would have dated someone. But that still hasn't happened and it kinda makes me sad and think there's something wrong with me.

Now I know that all probably sounds like a pity party but I don't want you to feel sorry for me. Those are just where my thoughts are right now. What makes those things close to the front of my mind is that I know sooooo many people who are either getting married this summer or who got married in the last year and it makes me a little sad because I feel like I'm missing out on some part of life because I'm not doing the same kind of things that all those people are doing.

If once in a while, lately more than before, I get into these funks where I don't like my life and I can't see any silver linings and I don't see how life can be good because all the bad things keep on piling up and I can't see the good parts of my life.

I feel like a failure in some ways. Yes, I graduated from college and that's a big accomplishment. But what's next? I'm not getting a master's degree, I don't have a job, and I feel like once again I'm the one being left in the dust. After being so busy all the time I hate, hate, hate sitting at home all day every day by myself. It sucks and it's not me. I need to be busy. I need to be doing something.

It also hurts when you realize that you've started liking someone that you've known for a while only to realize they like a friend of yours. So once again it looks like I just have to move on.

This line of thinking makes me think of President Uchtdorf's talk from last general conference on patience. Here's a quote that really helped the first time that I read it and hopefully will give me some strength right now: "Often the deep valleys of our present will be understood only by looking back on them from the mountains of our future experience. Often we can't see the Lord's hand in our lives until long after trials have passed. Often the most difficult times of our lives are essential building blocks that form the foundation of our characters and pave the wya to future opportunity, understanding, and happiness."

I just wish I understood why I had to go through these experiences now. These lessons that I am being forced to learn are so hard and I just wish I could understand or at least catch some kind of break. I feel like I'm at the point where I don't think I can handle many more bad things happening to me. I'm reaching the breaking point and I don't know what to do about it. I know Heavenly Father only gives you trials that you can withstand and will make you stronger but right now I'm thinking he thinks I can handle more than I'm capable of.

Sorry if this is kinda gloomy. I just needed to vent my feelings and get what I was thinking out my head. Thanks for reading. I know all of you who read this care about me and love me so thanks for your support. I'll try to make my next blog post cheerier. But this is just what I was thinking about this morning.

Graduation Pictures

Me and Ariel

Me and Nicole. Look how proud she is of me :)

Yay!! I made it (with a fake diploma haha)

Me and Candace. I love that girl

The fam. Waiting for things to start.

Me, right after commencement

Brandon!!! I was so excited that he came back to Provo for graduation. He graduated in December and I didn't think I was going to get to see him again :)

Me and Nancy. She is such an inspiration coming back to school after all these years.

A bunch from MFHD: Sarah, Me, Collette, Kaylee, Jeff

Good ol' Brigham

Me and Kaylee. We made it!!

Jacob and his little cutie after graduation :)

After Graduation

Last week I walked in my graduation from BYU. So now it's done. I don't have my diploma yet because my grades for my last classes aren't in yet. But I'm basically done with everything and that's a little weird.

I don't know what I'm going to do now and that's strange for me because I've always, always had a plan for what is happening in my life and so I've had a guide for my life. Well, right now I don't have a plan except for trying to find a job so that I don't go broke or have to move home...

I submitted another job application yesterday at Discovery Ranch. Hopefully that will result in something. I found that job listing from someone in my ward who works there. Keep your fingers crossed for me that something works out.

Yesterday was kind of a lazy day for me. I wasn't working so I didn't really have any place to be. Early in the morning I went with some friends to take Ashely to the airport. It's a little sad but she'll have a good summer over in the Holy Land. When I got back I went for a run and then rode my bike down to the library and got some books. For a while I laid out in the sun by the pool and just read. I haven't done that in a long time. Also, my good friend Jenny came out and talked to me for a while and I really liked that. I love you, Jenny and I'm so glad that we're friends.

I'd give you some pictures from graduation day but my computer is out of comission for a little bit longer. My power cord died and I'm waiting for my new one to arrive. It should be here sometime today, hopefully. Also, if anyone wants to do me a huge favor: I wanted to take some pictures by the BYU signs at the entrance to campus but there wasn't time on graduation day with my family in town so if anyone wants to help me out and come take some pictures with my camera just let me know. As soon as I can get pictures on my computer I'll put them up :)

I coming to accept that not being so busy is a good thing. A good friend of mine has the nice habit of calling me a workoholic so maybe it will be good for me to take it easy for a little bit before I start the next big thing in my life. I'm still looking out for what is next but I'm not going to worry about it too much right now.

Tagged by Mary

Four shows I like to watch...
1. Gilmore Girls
2. Glee...I know you all thought I would never admit it...
3. Heroes
4. Prison Break

Four things I'm passionate about...
1. Life
2. Christ
3. Improving myself
4. Learning

Four phrases I say a lot...
1. Oh my awkward
2. Heck no
3. "PDBio, this is Briana" -- work
4. Don't judge me. You don't know my life.

Four things I have learned from the past...
1. Life is full of surprises
2. Keep moving through life even if it's painful
3. Hard times happen for a reason even if you can't see it now
4. Trust in Heavenly Father

Four places I want to go...
1. Niagra Falls
2. Australia
3. England
4. Africa

Four things I did yesterday...
1. Rode my bike to the Provo City Library to get a couple books
2. Went on a run
3. Took a nap
4. Read by the pool :)

Four things I'm looking forward to...
1. Getting a new car
2. Exercising more frequently
3. Sunshine and warm nights
4. Meeting new friends

Four things I love about spring
1. Warm weather
2. Leaving the heater off and not having to turn on the a/c
3. Laying in the grass outside my apartment
4. Spending time with friends without worrying about school

Four things on my wish list...
1. Job in my field
2. Not worrying about the future
3. Soup
4. Being more compassionate

Four people to tag...
1. Nicole Winegardner
2. Kellie Frederick
3. Amy Knowlton
4. Morgan Anderson